i sometimes think about how far along i'd be in my pregnancy at this point, and how much i would enjoy feeling you kick and squirm. i wonder how you would have turned out to be; how you would have screamed and cried your first moment of birth; how your skin would have smelled of baby oil and powder.

i wonder how curious and how aware your first year of life would have been. you would have taught me how to re-look at things as if for the first time again. that pure amazement at seeing things with unknowing eyes. how you would have grown up as a toddler, testing our very patience and making us hypocrites for ever judging anyone with a little child, thinking the world of you, and wanting to share your little milestones with everyone as if they're nobel prize winning feats.

we would have shown you a world of art and music. i would have taken you to your father's rock shows, traveled the world with you and given you a camera as soon as you would have been able to hold one. we would have skipped rocks in rivers, jumped in puddles, and made snowmen. i would have read you bedtime stories and kissed your skinned knees and broken heart. we would have taught you to love - unconditionally - and care for this world as if it's your family.

oh baby boy, my heart aches for you. things seem like they go on, life seems to have continued, but in my heart of hearts, at the end of the day when all is calm and quiet, there's just something that doesn't feel right. this place is just not the same without you.