i let it all get to me yesterday. chris at the end of the day, with his house comments and utter frustrating ideas (he's so damn busy, forgets where we left off, then wonders why things are as they are...). it made me feel inept, child-like, and question by self worth. and... most importantly, it pissed me off, and i allowed it to. which pissed me off even more.

but then when i came home i let things brew and fester, that it took all evening to calm down. my mind raced, and it went places it shouldn't have. it entertained ideas i tried to get rid of weeks ago, after that blackout. but i went back to it, escaped to it, let my imagination and fantasy take over... nothing happened in my head, because i kept stopping it, but the idea - oh, the idea - it's so tempting.

it messed with my head, but it also pacified my anger and calmed me. this both perplexes me and excites me at the same time....